January 31, 2005
One pixel

I’m feeling some existential angst. As my eyes opened this morning, my mind wondered, “How am I going to waste my dissipated life today?” Ugh. I crawled back into bed and slept until two so I wouldn’t have to think about it.

After I rolled out of bed and had some coffee, I tried to make a graphic of me as a pixel in a square that represents the world’s population. 6.5 billion pixels is a lot. One pixel is invisible. Even a thousand pixels—-me and all the people I’ve ever known—are barely visible.

Although I accept that I’m just a mote, I would still like to make a positive difference or create something that’s remembered or used beyond my demise. But as time passes, that seems less and less likely.

Mainly that’s because I’m not creative enough to conceive anything truly novel and the older I get, the less I seem to invent. Or I imagine things I can’t execute. Mostly I riff and spin on other people’s ideas. That’s OK—certainly better than watching TV or blindly consuming (or staying in bed all day)—but it’s not going to win me a lifetime achievement award.

I never thought I’d say this, but I’m beginning to envy parents. On their bleak days, they can fall back on the hope that their offspring will achieve something. “I’m doing diddly-squat, but my little Suzie might grow up to make a difference. My contribution to humanity is to be a good parent to her.”

I have no comforting fallback. My contribution to humanity is probably nothing more than not fucking up the planet any worse than anyone else. Maybe I should go back to bed.

Posted by kuri at January 31, 2005 03:59 PM

Comments

one word - ADOPTION. better than having kids.
instant gratification. it makes a positive difference AND he/she can also grow up to make a difference. ;)

Posted by: Paul on January 31, 2005 05:04 PM

WOW - that is definitely an existential crisis, or perhaps just Monday-itis run amok?

Posted by: T on January 31, 2005 08:05 PM

you’re a guiding light to this random stranger.

Posted by: tokyo goat on January 31, 2005 09:12 PM

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and look ahead not back! You can’t make a difference in the past.

Posted by: Dad on January 31, 2005 09:53 PM

There is nothing new under the sun. Everybody riffs on everybody. It’s the water we swim in. It’s the air we breath. The sun’s a mote. So we’re motes on a mote. Get up and spin and keep on spinning. Never know what will come of it.

There are highs and lows in any creative life. You sometimes doubt the value of your sacrifice but your devotion to your craft is in truth the only real reward.

Posted by: Emery on January 31, 2005 11:27 PM

Would you say something like that to someone who was your friend?

“Hey, i really like you but you are just an invisible pixel in the grand scheme of things. You have made no contribution to this world and you are probably going to turn out to be worthless.”

You wouldnt say this to a friend, im sure about that. You would take them out for lunch and be kind and patient with them, supportive and encouraging. So why would you beat yourself up with this kind of talk? How much good did this talking to do you? Could you show yourself the same kindness you would show someone else?

You free for lunch this week?

Posted by: j-ster on January 31, 2005 11:52 PM

In the long run, there’s nothing that’s truly eternal. By the time the Age of Humans ends, Plato and Mishima and Gogh and everyone else will be forgotten. Tokyo and Paris and New York will be rubbles. The important thing is, in my opinion, to live. Life of Mishima for example made him who he was, and made him write what he wrote. No one else lived his life, but then is there anyone aside from you that’s living YOUR life?

Besides, artistic maturity comes at a very different time in one’s life. It came to Rimbaud when he was sixteen. It came to Frank McCourt when he was seventy six (or whenever he wrote Angela’s Ashes). Who knows how it works out for you?

Posted by: Kimura on February 1, 2005 01:04 AM

You have great friends (and parents!), Kristen. Listen to them.

You’re allowed a bad day though. Wallow if you need to, but only for a little bit, then go swimming or take a walk.

Just being around you reminds me of who I am and how much good I am capable of in this world, even as a wee pixel. Remember that, please.

Posted by: Jenn on February 1, 2005 03:55 AM

And yet, life goes on
Please read your own words from June 17, 2003.
You have been a wealth of insight to me and my own quest to be more prolific. I would say please don’t stop, but I know you could not, even if you tried.

Posted by: filmtunes on February 1, 2005 04:36 AM

I don’t know you but I’ve been reading your stuff for the last while or so (I found it via Zousan is an Elephant- I have a small Zousan of my own you see) and I think you’re brilliant. Though that probably is worth about a nanapixel, I just had to comment. Daijobu.

Posted by: Kerry on February 1, 2005 10:43 AM

Children are teachers by the example they set of living in the moment.

I don’t play blocks with Riley and imagine how great an engineer he will be one day. I don’t take him to the beach in the morning to think of his future contribution to environmental science.

It’s part maddeningly boring part amazingly wonderful, blocks are just blocks and the ocean is the ocean. You are a pixie not a pixel!

But imagine you are a pixel, you could be at the center of a sphere with a volume of 6.5 billion pixels, and you would be right in the middle of a 2316 pixel length hug in any direction.

Don’t ask to see my working. Mental note: count more with Riley! :)

Posted by: womble on February 1, 2005 12:28 PM

We don’t know each other but I often read your blog, admire your creativity, envy your time to devote to it and compare my paltry forays into blogging with yours…. As I’m sure many others do.

I think whatever output we make - career, creative, children - we are always making a difference to somebody somewhere.

Posted by: Erra on February 1, 2005 02:26 PM

All those pixels….what do they make???
A BEAUTIFUL PICTURE
They all blend together to make something.Each one a piece of the puzzle,each one may seem invisible but without it the picture would look strange.They all work together to make it what it is .You may not see it but to coin a phrase”You are part of the bigger picture” and although on your blue day you may not see it you effect everyone you come into contact with in a beutiful way…..you teach,you support and you love……..I would say that was a grand contribution!
Sarah

Posted by: sarah on February 2, 2005 08:49 AM

All those pixels….what do they make???
A BEAUTIFUL PICTURE
They all blend together to make something.Each one a piece of the puzzle,each one may seem invisible but without it the picture would look strange.They all work together to make it what it is .You may not see it but to coin a phrase”You are part of the bigger picture” and although on your blue day you may not see it you effect everyone you come into contact with in a beutiful way…..you teach,you support and you love……..I would say that was a grand contribution!
Sarah

Posted by: sarah on February 2, 2005 08:50 AM

Even though I know you only on the net, but I think you are one of my important friends. Relax!! You know lots of wonerful adjective to express yourself. — may I ask you ? How do you use “delicious ” to express person character?

Posted by: Mieko on February 2, 2005 09:28 AM

Ok, my bad, obviously you can stop at will. please disregard my last post.
signed, “A fan.”
-filmtunes-
hoping to read you soon.

Posted by: filmtunes on February 3, 2005 10:45 AM

That’s an interesting way to look at the world. 1 pixel in 6.5 billion. The thing is, we are pixels in flesh only. The sum of who each person is is far beyond that little shell that makes up their body. Taking the sum of our experiences into account, as well as whatever contributions we can give, we all take up far more than one pixel. Even all those lowest common denominators out there.

I only know you as a blogger, and even then only in a limited fashion, and already I can tell that your pixel-count is well beyond many mere mortals. You have experienced so much more culture than most people. Revel in that.

Besides, in real life, just as in Photoshop, resolution is a variable. Sure, we could zoom all the way out when we work on that 25ft. by 10ft. billboard, but you’ll never see the details. Your design will suffer for the lack of granularity. You need to focus in on the area that you’re working on, then you will see the nitty-gritty details in your work. They say the devil’s in the details, but I think it’s more along the line of your life is in the details. Look around, see the details, see those pixels, and know that they are going into a whole that you’ve created around you.

And if you need to make some changes, I find that the eraser and paintbrush tools do wonders :-)

Posted by: rael9 on February 16, 2005 07:00 AM

Your musings spark some interesting questions about life, meaning, our “place” in the universe, etc.

But, the more important question is: are you going to post what we can eat on the SBD once we reach our goal weight??!! I’m dying to know.

Posted by: Robin on February 25, 2005 11:37 PM
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